


Here Goes Nothing

by iihappydaysii



Series: WaveydaysFICS [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Coming Out, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Sex, Sexuality, mentions of biphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 19:56:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12283320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iihappydaysii/pseuds/iihappydaysii
Summary: This is something Phil has been struggling with for awhile and he's finally ready to tell Dan.





	Here Goes Nothing

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: this is fiction and not meant reflect actual's phil's sexuality or my opinion on his sexuality. it's just a skit, if you will, about the complexity of sexuality and the struggle to find labels, if you want them, and understand your own sexual identity.

Phil had been sulking for days. It wasn’t typical for him, but he just couldn’t seem to shake it. His mind was a bramble of thoughts and regrets that work and logic just weren’t cutting through anymore. He was grateful that Dan hadn’t tried to cheer him up. He was always better at that than Phil was--sitting in sadness with someone. 

Phil’s first reaction when he saw someone hurting was to try and brighten up their day and Dan’s was just to stand alongside them so they didn’t have to endure it alone. It was one of the reasons Phil had fallen in love with Dan. Phil had always seen it as such an extraordinary gift, even though Dan would always just shrug it off.

But Phil had worked out enough of the knots in his mind to know that he couldn’t just keep this bottled up anymore. If he did, Phil would just sink deeper and deeper into this funk and that was not the way he wanted to live. 

Phil walked into the living room and forced the words out of his mouth. “Dan, I need to talk to you about something?”

“One second, I’ve got another lap to go.” Dan stared at the television screen, his fingers flicking over the controller. 

Phil had taken so long to gather up the courage to do this that he couldn't just wait anymore. He walked over to the Nintendo Switch and turned it off. 

Dan dropped the controller. “Phil, what the hell?”

Phil planted himself like a wall between Dan and the rest of the room. He looked down at him. “I’m sorry. It’s just...it’s really important.”

The anger and tension on Dan’s face melted into a look of concern. “Okay…”

Heart beating hard, Phil rubbed at his neck. “Sorry about your game. This really wasn’t the way to start this conversation. “

“What conversation?” Dan said cautiously. “What’s wrong? You're starting to freak me out. ”

Phil sat down next to Dan on the sofa, his legs wobbling beneath him. “Nothing, it’s just…” His voice was low.

Dan visibly tensed as he turned toward Phil. “Talk to me.” 

Dan looked a little scared which made Phil feel a bit guilty, but Phil couldn't put it off any longer. He wanted, no  _ needed,  _  to tell Dan the truth he’d been fighting with for a long time. 

_ Here goes nothing. _

“I’m gay,” Phil said.

“Okay,” Dan replied, softly, easily.

That wasn't really the reaction he’d gathered up his courage for. 

“Didn’t you hear me?” Phil rubbed his jaw, voice low. “I said I’m gay.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed and he paused for quite a while before saying, “Phil…I’m not sure what you’re wanting from me here. I mean...thank you for telling me, but you have been sleeping with a man for seven years. This isn’t a huge shock.”

“So have you and you’re not gay.”

“True.” Dan shrugged.

“ _ Dan.” _

“Phil, I love you.” Dan smiled and shook his head. “You could walk in here and announce you feel sexual attraction to the entrance sign at Gatorland and I’d still want to grow old with you, so you’re going to have to do better than ‘I'm gay’ if you want to rattle my devotion.”

Sometimes Phil didn't really understand Dan. He knew Dan better than anyone else, but there were still so many moments when Dan was a mystery. This was one of those moments. Dan always overanalyzed everything, so why was he barely analyzing this?

“How are you not mad at me?” Phil asked, looking down at his socks.

“Why on earth would I be mad at you?” Dan asked. 

Phil let out an exasperated sigh. “Because I’m gay!”

Dan’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Huh?”

Phil put his face in his hands. Why could he not figure out how to explain this? “Because of Willow.”

“What does Wirrow have to do with this?”

“Not Wirrow. Willow...From Buffy.”

“How the  _ hell _ is this conversation now about  _ Buffy _ ?”

Phil tried to gather his thoughts before he spoke, but it wasn't one of his strengths. “You remember when we were having dinner out the other night, and you went into that whole long-winded tangent about how Willow being called a lesbian contributed to systemic bisexual erasure?”

“Yeah because it does contribute to systemic bisexual erasure.”

Phil felt himself starting to get frustrated but he wasn't sure if it was at Dan or himself. “How is me telling you I'm gay, when I used to identify as bi, any different, Dan?”

“Because,” Dan sighed, “you're not a fictional character that contributes to the understanding of queer people within the social consciousness.” His voice softened. “You're a person. You're  _ my  _ person, and it's fine.”

“It doesn't feel fine, Dan.”

“I'm sorry.” Dan put his hand on Phil’s. They always did this when things would start to get a little heated. It was hard to argue with someone you were touching them with kindness. ”And I didn't mean to hurt you with what I said about Willow. I had no idea you were dealing with this. And it's really a different thing anyway.”

Phil started to feel a little better, but anxiety still crawled in his chest like tiny spiders. “It feels scary.”

“What does?”

“Calling myself gay. It feels, I don't know,” he thought about it for a moment, “final.”

Dan laced his fingers with Phil’s and squeezed. “It's not.”

Phil fought his instinct to pull away and held onto Dan tighter. “How can you possibly say that? People don't just become un-gay.”

“Look, Phil.” Dan smoothed his thumb over Phil's hand and the touch helped ground him. “Sexuality isn't black-and-white and maybe I don't understand what it's really like to be monosexual, but I do understand that we don't understand anything about sexuality. If you say you're gay, then you are and that's good enough for me.”

“Okay,” Phil said, pulling his hand away from Dan. It wasn't a harsh move. He gently rubbed Dan’s knee and let out a heavy breath. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Dan asked quietly. “Because it kind of seems like you want to talk about it.”

Phil didn't necessarily want to but he needed to. “It's just been...it's been hurting for a while, Dan. It's been confusing for a while. When I think about my past it's like, I had girlfriends, Dan.”

“I know--”

“Not a lot because I'm a dork but  _ some _ . Was that wrong?”

Dan's eyes narrowed and he appeared to be considering his response. “Not that this would necessarily be wrong, Phil, but did you know then you were gay?”

“I don't know.” He really didn't. He knew now that what he felt for those girls wasn't romantic interest or sexual interest or love. He wasn't sure if he knew that then. “I knew I wasn't straight.”

“Yeah, me too.”

Phil was pretty sure it was different, but he needed to ask. “But you like...wanked to girls?”

“Quite a bit. Mostly, actually.” Dan looked at Phil, tilted his head. “You didn't?”

“No...not really, but you know porn kind of makes me sad anyway.”

Dan curled into Phil’s side. “You're too good, too pure,” he said a little goofily.

Phil put his arm around Dan’s back and whispered low in his ear, “You know that's not true.”

Suddenly, Phil was tired of slogging through this difficult conversation. He just wanted to make out with his boyfriend and forget that anything else existed. He started kissing Dan’s ear in the way he knew would get Dan started. 

Dan ducked away from the touch. “Phil, as much as I love where this going, I know you're just trying to avoid talking about this and I don't think that's really what you want to do.”

Phil sighed and just leaned his head against Dan’s for a moment. “I mean, what does it say about me that I dated these girls and now I'm saying I'm gay?”

“They're not ever going to know that. I mean, unless you're planning on making a coming out video or something. Are you?”

_ A coming out video?  _ Just the thought alone made Phil cringe. 

“No, Dan. That's not really my thing.”

“I didn't think so, but you know I’d support you every step of the way. Whatever you want to do.” He sounded so sincere. Phil loved every version of Dan, but there was nothing as comforting to Phil as Dan when he was speaking from the heart. 

“I know. It's not that I really care what they think, Dan. I care about what's true and, I mean, _ did _ I hurt them? It's not like I actively thought ‘I’m going to date these girls because I'm gay and want to hide it.’ They just--they asked me out and they were nice. I figured maybe that's just how it felt.”

Dan snuggled right into Phil’s chest. “You didn't do anything wrong. Is this what you've been all twisted up about the last couple days?”

“Well, sort of.” Phil nestled his nose in Dan’s curls and breathed in the familiar cinnamon scent. “I mean it's also you. I  _ lied _ to you.”

“About what?” Dan sat up and pulled away just enough to look at Phil. 

“When we first got together, I told you I was bi and I think I knew at the time that I wasn't.”

“Phil, that was eight years ago.”

“That just makes it worse,” Phil said, exasperated. “I've been lying to you for eight years.”

“You can try to make me mad at you, Phil, but it's not going to work. It's complicated--sexuality, I mean--it's...” Dan’s gaze lingered on Phil for a moment. “You're really beating yourself up about this, aren't you?”

“I don't know why, but it's been killing me. That's why I had to tell you. No matter what your reaction would be.”

“Well, this is my reaction.” Dan put a hand on Phil’s cheek. “I love you and you’re gay and I love you.”

“But what if it turns out that I'm  _ not _ gay?” Phil sighed and flopped back against the sofa. “What if I think I am and I end up lying to you now  _ again?” _

“Then you’ll tell me how you identify later and my reaction will be the same.” Dan’s brow furrowed. “Why do you think I'm going to fight you on this?”

Phil immediately flashed back to when he’d come out to his parents asbisexual. They’d told him that he didn’t have to lie and say he was bisexual to make them feel better, that they were okay with having ‘a gay son.’

“When I came out to my parents...I think I told you about this--”

Dan frowned, shoulders slumping, clearly remembering that previous conversation. “Oh, Phil.”

“And now, they’re right. It was the only time in my life I  _ ever  _ raised my voice at my mum. And it was for nothing.”

“The only time?” Dan laughed softly. “My mum would trade me for you in a heartbeat.”

“Dan.”

“Honey...listen.” Dan laid a hand on Phil's leg. “I’m sorry about how they reacted back then. It wasn't right. They might not have meant any harm but that doesn't mean they didn't cause any. It's okay that you were hurt. It's okay if you're still hurt, but you don't have anything to prove to them or me or anyone. It seems like trying to name it is causing you even more pain. You don’t have to identify as anything, you know?”

Phil shook his head. “I'm not like you, Dan. I tried, I really did...to not need a label, but it didn't feel any better.”

“It helped me so I thought maybe...but if it doesn't help you, that's fine too. It's all  _ fine _ .”

Phil put his head in his hands. “You keep saying that.”

“Because it’s true,” Dan said simply. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil finally said. 

“For what?”

“For thinking you'd be disappointed in me. For thinking you'd be upset. I forget how much you've matured sometimes. What a good man you are.” His throat had started to ache too much and Phil could no longer stop the tears from slipping. “I'm sorry I’m…” He wiped at his wet eyes. 

“Phil…”

Phil sniffled, then steadied his breathing. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” Dan straddled Phil on the sofa, wrapping his arms around Phil’s neck. “ You know what else I love?”

“What's that?”

Dan smirked. “Sex with my gay boyfriend.”

Phil let out a quiet laugh. “I take back that thing I said about you being mature.”

 


End file.
